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What on earth is “Buzzybeehead”

To be perfectly honest with you I have no idea. I was asked to write a domain name, and this is a task that I should never be given. All I want to do is write about what goes on in my head and try and make sense of it. So what goes on in my head, if you’re into visual imagery, then imagine a bunch of bees just flying around in your head. Now bees make lots of “buzzy” sounds or so I think according to the movie. So there you go WordPress, my domain name will be Buzzybeehead, because I reckon I have a bunch of buzzy noise making bees in my head.

Now you may read this blog, you may just be like what the heck and move on, that is fine with me. This is something that I am doing for myself. To write out what is going on in my head, in my life and make sense of this glorious thing called Anxiety. Or at least attempt to.

Recently I watched the movie Julie and Julia, and in there Julie takes on a challenge to cook recipes from Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking cookbook in 365 days. And yes this did actually happen, which did baffle moi, a person that can barely boil an egg. So while I will not scare you all with my non-existent cooking skills, I am going to ensure I write at least one blog entry every week. So yes, there may be a few mind farts, some inspirational thoughts, and some get up and stop being overthinking negative nancy. Buckle in, fasten your seatbelts cause its going to be a bumpy ride.

 

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Spiralling

Arghh isn’t it frustrating when you notice yourself spiralling back into anxiety. And that grip the anxiety has on you just won’t come loose. It’s like everything you’ve achieved and done falls back out the window and you’re back at square one. Feeling tired, anxious and crap.

Or who knows it could be a little bit of sundayitis, the fact that you’ve had a week off which was bliss and now have to go back to reality which doesn’t look all too amazing. I’m scared that I’ll fall apart. I keep waiting for it to happen when I just can’t keep up. And when you feel lonely and like you’ve been abandoned by a person that had always been your number one cheerleader it’s even more hard.

As much as I try to be that person who can do self love and care. And be independent and just not give a damn. I end up being the absolute opposite of all that and just running through life. The fact that I’m spending nearly 8 hours a day on my phone isn’t probably helping either.

Im gonna try small things this week though.

First of all I need to cut down the time I’m spending on this darned phone. Yes I can check messages in the morning and during lunch break. And use it to listen to music at the gym. And maybe do one swipe through insta and Facebook throughout the day. But that’s it and no going on it before bed.

Second of all I’m gonna try not to stress out about Monday and my uni days by trying my utmost to stay in the present moment and take melatonin to help me sleep if need be. But also not stressing out if I don’t get enough sleep.

And finally third of all, I don’t have much uni work this week to do so instead I’m gonna dedicate 30-45 minutes of my evening to going to the gym and attending a class. I need to keep going to keep up the progress I’ve started and what better time than now. And it’ll be Friday soon enough!!

2/07/2018

It’s the second of July. Pretty much the whole year was building up to this day when I’d go back to uni for my last semester of my degree and then battle with the next stage of life of finding a job and career and essentially ‘settling down.’

Now I’ve decided not to put too much pressure on the next stage cause I ain’t got a clue what I want to do. But why is it that that keeps playing on my mind making me more and more anxious. This semester isn’t actually all that bad. Yea I’ll have to put some extra effort in in certain areas but otherwise it’s not too bad and I’ve got a placement that I’m actually keen on. But alas anxiety does this to you I guess makes you feel all pumped up not in a good way, jittery, tired oh so tired and just not nice when all you want to say to it is okay I get it but I feel I’m going to be okay so back off!

29/06/2018

So it’s Friday night and two days till uni starts. I am so flippen tired for some reason. I didn’t have much planned this week but as per usual it’s ended up being busy. And I am so tired. And scared that how on earth am I gonna cope with uni and just placement full time and everything ahh haha I always say I’m gonna catch up on sleep but it never happens and it’s never enough. It’s ridiculous how this whole balance between life and work just never happens. Like why can’t we prioritise our lives and health more and for it to be okay to do that!

For the time being though I am going to try and go to bed now haha and I can’t sleep in tomorrow but I might try and nap and sleep in on Sunday 🙂 and remind myself that this may just be something I’m going to have to prioritise this semester!

25/06/2018

The mind is so flippen weird and I have been trying really hard to understand it. It confuses the hell out of me.

This time last year I was s***ing myself with the notion of going back to uni. This time around I kinda am but kinda not. A lot of me is in fact thinking it ain’t gonna be that bad. But then there’s triggers which bring back the old emotions. Whether it is looking back at a screenshot from that time of something about uni; looking at the people in a group and realising I don’t know anyone’s name. Realising I’ll be applying for jobs this semester and the white walls of the hospital coming to mind even though my placement is out in the community. It’s so messed up because for the first time I’m actually thinking this might not be that bad but it’s like my mind keeps trying to bring up little things to make me feel no it won’t be good and that I’m kidding myself and the flood gates will burst again. I would love to one day understand the mind and its shenanigans. I know I can’t live expecting everything to be good now but I also don’t want to live waiting for the next bad thing to happen, cause that’s sucks!

24/06/2018

So my last post was in March haha in ways, a lot has changed and a lot hasn’t. I did start this blog around the same time. During the holidays before starting my last semester of Nursing where I was battling insane amounts of anxiety, panic, and just in general what the hell am I going to do with my life. That hasn’t changed. Maybe not insane amount of anxiety or panic, I think taking a year off helped show me following the straight and narrow, expected path isn’t always necessary. But the anxiety is still there. Definitely cropped up a couple of weeks ago, where again I was like what the f*** am I doing. I don’t know if this is what I want to do and I’m expected to know what I want to do with my life, I mean isn’t that what you’re meant to do at 21? Well I don’t, and I might not for a while. Things are different this time, I have a placement that I think might actually be really what fits where my passions seem to lie. I know that there are actually different pathways that I can take, not the straight and narrow I thought I had to. I know definitely what I don’t want to do and I’m learning to be okay with that. I know I have serious, low confidence that means I don’t put my 100% in sometimes and instead try and run away from that situation because I’m petrified of failing. I know I’m stressing myself out with trying to come up to solutions to problems that I can’t solve or probably don’t even exist. I’m trying so hard to control things that I legit have no control over whatsoever and stressing myself over it and probably seriously harming my health through that. I know that trying to avoid all those thoughts cropping up in my head by watching another episode of Suits (awesome show btw) is not going to help and instead I’m going to end up even more tired and just shit. So why not write, why not let it all out, all of the s***storm brewing up in my head.

I’ll admit a few things:

I’m scared that no matter how positive I’ve been trying to be about placement and finishing uni that I’m kidding myself. I’m scared that I’ve been thinking that it’ll okay with not being around my normal class but I’m scared that I’ll get there that first day and I’ll have the same panics and my friends aren’t going to be there in class with me like the other times. I’m scared that this anxiety will come back a million times worse and I won’t be able to get through it. I’m scared I won’t ever stop this annoying, incessant thinking. I’m just scared and don’t want this break to end. I’m scared about the new phase of life and what it holds. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of failing.

But I also feel maybe, just maybe it’ll be okay.

 

I’m going to try remind myself of my goals/resolutions that I set at the beginning of the year. Yea there were some of the practical things, save money, exercise more. But there was also “Do more that laeaves you feeling happy and invigorated.” “Think less, less phone scrolling time, write, walk, read.” “Work on my mental health and start by doing more things that put me on edge.” Hell that is just going into my last semester, doing what I have for the past two and a half years of this degree by constantly going back to uni even though it made me s*** myself every single day haha It definitely threw me off the edge a lot of times but hey I did actually get through it every single time and it has always been fine, it will be fine, whatever happened was not by fluke, it was me and a bit of the world working out but that isn’t going to stop. I need to have more faith in myself and confidence in myself instead of just plotting and planning that the world is going to go against me haha Yea, but a bit of effort in but also make the most of each moment of downtime that I do have. Thats all for now haha and hopefully I start writing more!

26/3/18

I have been really bad at staying on task with my blog challenge! I got called back into work and juggling full time work with full time study is starting to get to me now. I’m going to focus on getting my assignments done (2 done, 2 more to go!) and finishing work. I think we’ve only got maybe a few more shifts left depending on the amount of work coming through. I’ve definitely enjoyed it and it has been such a nice break from nursing! and even tutoring haha But I am glad I did it despite the short time it is running for as it’ll be awesome experience to put down! I am going to start up my blog challenge again once I’ve done these assignments and its a little less hectic 🙂

Day 14

The best thing to happen to you this week

The best thing to happen to me this week was definitely spending time with my friend today. She was going through a crappy time and I was just all over the place and so I decided to pick her up and we went and got some pizza and just ate, chilled and chatted in the park. It was great! Low maintenance but definitely good for the soul 🙂

Day 13

Weird things you do when you’re alone

Ahahah I have this problem called maladaptive daydreaming (the name provided to me by a friend). Which is where I can spend the whole day literally just daydreaming about all sorts of things and coming up with very inventive situations and stories. I can get very caught up in these daydreams especially if I don’t have anything to do or am around others or have read a good book or watched a good movie recently. This can also result in me sometimes talking out loud haha

Day 12

A difficult time in my life

I really feel focusing on a difficult time will just result in a whole rant about all the difficult times in my life. I’m not attempting to belittle any of it but I guess you can’t really change the past so you either let go and move on from it or learn from it and take those learnings with it. I want to do those things because clinging onto it and just not letting it go has definitely not helped and not made a positive difference in my life. But I can definitely learn a heck of a lot from it. Main thing being that I am stronger than I realise and will get through even the crappiest of crap life can throw at me 🙂

Day 11

Why do you blog

Wow well I definitely fell behind quite a bit. This week despite work bailing on us still felt hectic and I feel I am either coming down with something or just overtired like crazy. I guess I started to blog to have an outlet for all my minds rambles. To write or type it out. To connect with people and have followers I guess was an afterthought but I definitely do welcome and am grateful for it. Blogging is I guess something that I want to use as a way to get away from my day to day ‘busyness’ to use as something to relax me or just have some creative me time. I also do enjoy reading other people’s blogs and have actually liked seeing how people can connect over the internet and the encouragement that exists on these blogs. It’s always nice to read something or about what someone is going through and realising we are all human and we all go through some crappy times sometimes. I defintiely want to blog more regularly haha but also I guess not time pressure myself to do it but continue having it there so it can be a part of my toolkit to deal with those crappy times 🙂