What on earth is “Buzzybeehead”

To be perfectly honest with you I have no idea. I was asked to write a domain name, and this is a task that I should never be given. All I want to do is write about what goes on in my head and try and make sense of it. So what goes on in my head, if you’re into visual imagery, then imagine a bunch of bees just flying around in your head. Now bees make lots of “buzzy” sounds or so I think according to the movie. So there you go WordPress, my domain name will be Buzzybeehead, because I reckon I have a bunch of buzzy noise making bees in my head.

Now you may read this blog, you may just be like what the heck and move on, that is fine with me. This is something that I am doing for myself. To write out what is going on in my head, in my life and make sense of this glorious thing called Anxiety. Or at least attempt to.

Recently I watched the movie Julie and Julia, and in there Julie takes on a challenge to cook recipes from Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking cookbook in 365 days. And yes this did actually happen, which did baffle moi, a person that can barely boil an egg. So while I will not scare you all with my non-existent cooking skills, I am going to ensure I write at least one blog entry every week. So yes, there may be a few mind farts, some inspirational thoughts, and some get up and stop being overthinking negative nancy. Buckle in, fasten your seatbelts cause its going to be a bumpy ride.

 

Long time no see

So it’s 2019 and it will be two years this year since I started this blog. I definitely haven’t written on it as much as I had planned on. I have had many amazing, crazy, beautiful experiences and memories. I have also had moments of serious self doubt, anxiety, panic and fear. Overall, it has been a crazy journey.

I went on a course this weekend to gain a bit more of an insight on how I can journey towards living a more peaceful, content, anxiety-free life. I gathered knowledge and tools from the course which I do intend on implementing in my daily life. I also left however with a sense of unease as I discovered something about myself that I had definitely not been expecting to. There was an activity at the end of the course which left me feeling really at unease and discovering that I had a serious block and barrier going on preventing me from being able to release any emotions. It felt like the stuff that I thought I had processed had actually not been processed at all and that instead it was still locked up behind a wall. It’s left me feeling confused, a little anxious and panicked and just all over the place in my head. It feels weird.

It also astonishes me how deeply you can hold onto stuff that has happened in the past. And how it continues to affect you in the present. It bothers me that I couldn’t let go off it today. It bothers me that I couldn’t let out any emotion. It bothers me that I am starting to understand that this block and barrier is stopping me from having meaningful relationships like I want to have and instead leaving me with a constant guard thats up at all times.

I’m going to try and be patient though and work through breaking this barrier bit by bit. I’m going to try and understand it more and hopefully one day I will be able to completely let my guard down and say bye and let go of certain things.

The next stage of life

So recently in the past couple of weeks, I graduated, sat my last exams and got a job offer to start next year in February. But why am I not excited and why am I dreading it instead. These past four years of uni have honestly flown by so darn quick. I’m scared about this new stage of life which to be honest feels constricting more than anything. I know I am luckier than most in the field of work I am going into in that I am not doing shift work. But still it’s scary and anxiety provoking to think that the next 40 odd years of life are gonna be spent just working Mon-Fri with very little time off. Why do people even do it! Weekends and evenings are so not long enough to live a life and recuperate from having worked all week. I know I should just focus on enjoying my summer and make the most of it and face work when it comes. And I mean who knows maybe after the first few months I’ll fall into the zone and maybe even start enjoying it. But that’s what’s also scary. The whole unknowness of this next part. Our lives have in a way been planned out and been pretty straightforward so far with a few unexpected turns. But now it’s like a blank canvas and while some people might find that exciting. I find it scary and I can’t help feel dread and anxiety over the fact that so much is not in my control anymore. I can’t control anything now. I’m going to have to go with the flow and deal with stuff as it comes up which is daunting!

I think I might leave this here for now and try get some sleep 🙂

Back at it again

I am back after a very long time. A lot has happened and a lot is due to happen.

First of all, I am graduating from uni! Finally haha I got there eventually. Mixed feelings though because it is the end of a stage of life. The next stage seems a lot more ambiguous and no structure to it at all which is very off-putting and anxiety provoking!

I have gotten a job which I will be starting next year. It is a good job and I reckon I will most likely spend quite a few years there while I try to figure out what to do next. But I am also nervous because full-time work life does not sound fun! and there are no breaks! It will also definitely put me out of my comfort zone but I am trying to think about it positively and realise that it will also prove as an opportunity for me to build on my confidence and self-esteem and spend some time finding my passions.

The anxiety has definitely been there these last few months and I don’t think it will go away for a while sadly. I am scared of having a massive panic attack like I have before but I know I can’t keep living life in fear of what may or could happen. It’s not fair on me and I will just end up regretting it.

Its the same old habits I really need to work on changing. My overthinking, worrying about what could happen, and then ending up in a endless spiral. I have considered trying medication before work starts. But at the same time I know this isn’t something that will go away unless if I really address it and work on changing these habits. The meds would help and I’m not against them but I know I will attempt to utilise them as something that will fix it all.

I want to be a more happier me and more chilled and laid back me. Be more present in the moment so I really enjoy day to day and am not living in the past or future. Cause that has already either happened or will happen when the time comes. And all I’ll regret is having missed the moment NOW! 🙂

 

 

 

 

Spiralling

Arghh isn’t it frustrating when you notice yourself spiralling back into anxiety. And that grip the anxiety has on you just won’t come loose. It’s like everything you’ve achieved and done falls back out the window and you’re back at square one. Feeling tired, anxious and crap.

Or who knows it could be a little bit of sundayitis, the fact that you’ve had a week off which was bliss and now have to go back to reality which doesn’t look all too amazing. I’m scared that I’ll fall apart. I keep waiting for it to happen when I just can’t keep up. And when you feel lonely and like you’ve been abandoned by a person that had always been your number one cheerleader it’s even more hard.

As much as I try to be that person who can do self love and care. And be independent and just not give a damn. I end up being the absolute opposite of all that and just running through life. The fact that I’m spending nearly 8 hours a day on my phone isn’t probably helping either.

Im gonna try small things this week though.

First of all I need to cut down the time I’m spending on this darned phone. Yes I can check messages in the morning and during lunch break. And use it to listen to music at the gym. And maybe do one swipe through insta and Facebook throughout the day. But that’s it and no going on it before bed.

Second of all I’m gonna try not to stress out about Monday and my uni days by trying my utmost to stay in the present moment and take melatonin to help me sleep if need be. But also not stressing out if I don’t get enough sleep.

And finally third of all, I don’t have much uni work this week to do so instead I’m gonna dedicate 30-45 minutes of my evening to going to the gym and attending a class. I need to keep going to keep up the progress I’ve started and what better time than now. And it’ll be Friday soon enough!!

2/07/2018

It’s the second of July. Pretty much the whole year was building up to this day when I’d go back to uni for my last semester of my degree and then battle with the next stage of life of finding a job and career and essentially ‘settling down.’

Now I’ve decided not to put too much pressure on the next stage cause I ain’t got a clue what I want to do. But why is it that that keeps playing on my mind making me more and more anxious. This semester isn’t actually all that bad. Yea I’ll have to put some extra effort in in certain areas but otherwise it’s not too bad and I’ve got a placement that I’m actually keen on. But alas anxiety does this to you I guess makes you feel all pumped up not in a good way, jittery, tired oh so tired and just not nice when all you want to say to it is okay I get it but I feel I’m going to be okay so back off!

29/06/2018

So it’s Friday night and two days till uni starts. I am so flippen tired for some reason. I didn’t have much planned this week but as per usual it’s ended up being busy. And I am so tired. And scared that how on earth am I gonna cope with uni and just placement full time and everything ahh haha I always say I’m gonna catch up on sleep but it never happens and it’s never enough. It’s ridiculous how this whole balance between life and work just never happens. Like why can’t we prioritise our lives and health more and for it to be okay to do that!

For the time being though I am going to try and go to bed now haha and I can’t sleep in tomorrow but I might try and nap and sleep in on Sunday 🙂 and remind myself that this may just be something I’m going to have to prioritise this semester!

25/06/2018

The mind is so flippen weird and I have been trying really hard to understand it. It confuses the hell out of me.

This time last year I was s***ing myself with the notion of going back to uni. This time around I kinda am but kinda not. A lot of me is in fact thinking it ain’t gonna be that bad. But then there’s triggers which bring back the old emotions. Whether it is looking back at a screenshot from that time of something about uni; looking at the people in a group and realising I don’t know anyone’s name. Realising I’ll be applying for jobs this semester and the white walls of the hospital coming to mind even though my placement is out in the community. It’s so messed up because for the first time I’m actually thinking this might not be that bad but it’s like my mind keeps trying to bring up little things to make me feel no it won’t be good and that I’m kidding myself and the flood gates will burst again. I would love to one day understand the mind and its shenanigans. I know I can’t live expecting everything to be good now but I also don’t want to live waiting for the next bad thing to happen, cause that’s sucks!

24/06/2018

So my last post was in March haha in ways, a lot has changed and a lot hasn’t. I did start this blog around the same time. During the holidays before starting my last semester of Nursing where I was battling insane amounts of anxiety, panic, and just in general what the hell am I going to do with my life. That hasn’t changed. Maybe not insane amount of anxiety or panic, I think taking a year off helped show me following the straight and narrow, expected path isn’t always necessary. But the anxiety is still there. Definitely cropped up a couple of weeks ago, where again I was like what the f*** am I doing. I don’t know if this is what I want to do and I’m expected to know what I want to do with my life, I mean isn’t that what you’re meant to do at 21? Well I don’t, and I might not for a while. Things are different this time, I have a placement that I think might actually be really what fits where my passions seem to lie. I know that there are actually different pathways that I can take, not the straight and narrow I thought I had to. I know definitely what I don’t want to do and I’m learning to be okay with that. I know I have serious, low confidence that means I don’t put my 100% in sometimes and instead try and run away from that situation because I’m petrified of failing. I know I’m stressing myself out with trying to come up to solutions to problems that I can’t solve or probably don’t even exist. I’m trying so hard to control things that I legit have no control over whatsoever and stressing myself over it and probably seriously harming my health through that. I know that trying to avoid all those thoughts cropping up in my head by watching another episode of Suits (awesome show btw) is not going to help and instead I’m going to end up even more tired and just shit. So why not write, why not let it all out, all of the s***storm brewing up in my head.

I’ll admit a few things:

I’m scared that no matter how positive I’ve been trying to be about placement and finishing uni that I’m kidding myself. I’m scared that I’ve been thinking that it’ll okay with not being around my normal class but I’m scared that I’ll get there that first day and I’ll have the same panics and my friends aren’t going to be there in class with me like the other times. I’m scared that this anxiety will come back a million times worse and I won’t be able to get through it. I’m scared I won’t ever stop this annoying, incessant thinking. I’m just scared and don’t want this break to end. I’m scared about the new phase of life and what it holds. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of failing.

But I also feel maybe, just maybe it’ll be okay.

 

I’m going to try remind myself of my goals/resolutions that I set at the beginning of the year. Yea there were some of the practical things, save money, exercise more. But there was also “Do more that laeaves you feeling happy and invigorated.” “Think less, less phone scrolling time, write, walk, read.” “Work on my mental health and start by doing more things that put me on edge.” Hell that is just going into my last semester, doing what I have for the past two and a half years of this degree by constantly going back to uni even though it made me s*** myself every single day haha It definitely threw me off the edge a lot of times but hey I did actually get through it every single time and it has always been fine, it will be fine, whatever happened was not by fluke, it was me and a bit of the world working out but that isn’t going to stop. I need to have more faith in myself and confidence in myself instead of just plotting and planning that the world is going to go against me haha Yea, but a bit of effort in but also make the most of each moment of downtime that I do have. Thats all for now haha and hopefully I start writing more!

26/3/18

I have been really bad at staying on task with my blog challenge! I got called back into work and juggling full time work with full time study is starting to get to me now. I’m going to focus on getting my assignments done (2 done, 2 more to go!) and finishing work. I think we’ve only got maybe a few more shifts left depending on the amount of work coming through. I’ve definitely enjoyed it and it has been such a nice break from nursing! and even tutoring haha But I am glad I did it despite the short time it is running for as it’ll be awesome experience to put down! I am going to start up my blog challenge again once I’ve done these assignments and its a little less hectic 🙂

Day 14

The best thing to happen to you this week

The best thing to happen to me this week was definitely spending time with my friend today. She was going through a crappy time and I was just all over the place and so I decided to pick her up and we went and got some pizza and just ate, chilled and chatted in the park. It was great! Low maintenance but definitely good for the soul 🙂